JK's 5th Day off!
by Smeargle Spence
Summary: JK takes another day off! Hermione takes my nonsense juice! Colonel Creevey becomes the penguin bearer! Lots more! (Rated PG because of what happens to Colonel Creevey)


Hey, loyal fans!  
  
  
  
  
  
*crickets chirping*  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay, nevermind about the 'loyal' part. Or the 'fans' part either. In fact, let's just forget this and start all over.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello there, person who is inevitably reading this! This is the 4th in the chaotic series of…  
  
J.K. TAKES THE DAY OFF! *firecrackers, loud bangs, wild crowds, etc.*  
It has everything you could want for! It pokes fun at Ron & Hermione, drops random food items into the landscape, makes inanimate items turn into guards of a giant palace, and then be eaten by a humongous hamster! Seriously folks, this has the works.  
So, umm… sit back and relax! Be warned, though, this is full of so much nonsense, it will make your head water and your eyes spin.  
So, um… sit back and relax again! Without further adieu, I give you…  
  
  
  
JK's 5TH DAY OFF!  
  
  
  
Harry (sitting in Snape's class, writing an essay about how he will never use an Imperius Curse to make Snape knock over his O.W.L. test potion, after supposedly using an Imperius Curse to make Snape knock over his O.W.L. test potion): I'm bored. Writing this essay takes forever. You know, times like this make me wish—  
All: DON'T SAY IT!  
Snape: Please, no! Last time, he made me yell 'Cheese!' The embarassment!  
Harry: What? I was going to say that times like this make me wish I could transform into a dog and drink out of the toilet!  
All: Oh.  
Harry: But that reminds me. It'd be cool if that Smeargle Spence guy were back.  
  
Me: **YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND!** Although, I'm always here, and always will be… *grins evilly*  
All except Harry: AAIIIIEEEE!  
Harry: …What?  
Me: Hmmm. What nonsense should I write first… I know!  
*a turtle appears in Harry's hands, and Snape immediately tries to take it away*  
Harry: No! It wants to dance with me!  
*Harry and turtle begin doing a tango, followed by a disco, and closed by a Funky Chicken*  
Giant Paper: *flies in* Hello, fans! The Giant Paper is back, and guess what? I want to do a dance!  
Ron (to Herm): ¿El papel es un cerdo que brilla intensamente que come los automóviles de la lata, no? A propósito, su pelo parece agradable hoy.  
Giant Paper: *starts glowing and eating tin automobiles*  
Herm: No, mira más como una col frita a mí. Tengo gusto de lo que usted hizo con sus pecas.  
Giant Paper: *turns into wad of fried cabbage*  
Harry: *sticks Babel Fish in ear, and goes back in time*  
Ron: The paper is a glowing pig that eats tin automobiles, eh? By the way, your hair seems nice today.  
Herm: No, it looks more like a fried cabbage to me. I like what you did with your freckles.  
Harry: WHAT? Ron did absolutely nothing with his freckles, 'cause it's impossible, and Hermione did nothing with her hair!  
Me: How would you know that, Harry?  
Harry: I was in the girl's dormitory this morn— oops.  
Snape: Ten thousand points from Gryffindor, Potter, for snooping on the girls!  
Me: But I've seen you watching Professor Sprout through the greenhouse windows, Snape. Three million and a half point nine points from Slytherin!  
Snape: Two points from Gryffindor, Potter, for bringing about this babbling twit in the air!  
All: *gasp*  
Seamus: Two points? That's cruel, Professor! Please, can you raise it to three?  
Snape: Quiet, Finnigan, or I will make it one!  
All: *hide under giant beanbags that appear*  
Me: Hehehe! Man, I'm doing good— hey, did Snape just call me a twit?  
Snape: Yes I did.  
Me: *reaches slowly towards delete key*  
Snape: I mean, I called you marvelous. Terrific. Handsome. Better than Dumbledore. Deserving Order of Merlin.  
Me: Bet you didn't know I'm a Muggle, did you, Snape?  
Snape: What? That, like, totally freaks me out! Like, no way!  
Ron: Hermione, usted huele como pies.  
Harry: Babel fish!  
*Homestar Runner flies into his head, instead, giving Harry the look of someone who had Homestar Runner fly into his head*  
Harry: Dude! I've got a Flash character in my head!  
Homestar: No way! I was going to ask Stwong Bad if I couwd bowwow his fondue pot, and ended up in this weird guy's head.  
Ron: Wanna arm wrestle?  
Homestar: But I don't have any awms! I'll wose!  
Ron: That's the point.  
Harry: *suddenly spits whipped cream out of his nose*  
Herm: Harry, are you imitating whipped cream again?  
Luna: I like eggs. Did you know that although it's a mammal, the Crumple-Horned Snorkack lays eggs?  
Herm: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A CRUMPLE-HORNED—  
Me: Finally, an opportunity!  
*A Crumple-Horned Snorkack falls on Hermione's head*  
Herm: Nevermind.  
Cheese Guard #3: No saying "nevermind", missy! Off to the tower of infinite chaos!  
Herm: Not again! Please no!  
Cheese Guard #4: Hey, what ever happened to those other guards that were supposed to be guarding this little girl?  
Cheese Guard #3: Oh, I dunno. I think they got eaten by a crazed, lactose-intolerant cheese hamster.  
Cheese Guard #4. Oh, okay.  
Herm: I'm not a little girl! I'm fifteen!  
Me: No, you aren't! *Herm turns twelve*  
Herm: I'm still not little!  
Me: So? You're at the age where Ron first got his crush on you!  
Herm: Oh, ye gods above. Please help.  
Ron: Hey, look! It's a know-it-all Gryffindor second year, just like me!She's cute! I'm going to wait until the Yule Ball in fourth year, and then ask her to the dance just after Viktor Crumb does!  
Krum: Dat's Krum, you giant essiggurke!  
Me: Why'd you call him a pickle, Crumb?  
Krum: Take a look, there. He's large, green, and warty. He must be a pickle.  
Me: Hmm, you're right. Say, that reminds me of a joke. What's green, bumpy, and flies through the air?  
Crumb: Vat?  
Me: SUPER PICKLE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
All: …?  
Me: …Right. Well, I'm losing nonsense juice, so I guess you'll have to wait for Chapter 2—  
Colin Creevey: You're losing nonsense juice, sir? I can help you, sir! Off I go, sir!  
Me: Right, Colonel! Meanwhile, I'm going to make a gigantic bass fall on Herm's head!  
Colonel Creevey: Is that bass like the fish, or bass like the drum, sir?   
Me: Do your work, Colonel.  
Colonel Creevey: Right, sir!  
*A gigantic bass (you decide) falls on Herm's head*  
Herm: How's that supposed to happen? I'm in a tower with no way out, which means there's a roof!  
Me: Hmm. I know!  
*roof disappears, bass (you decide) falls on Herm's head, roof reappears*  
Herm: Oof. Get this gigantic… bass… off of me!  
Cheese Guard #4: No using elipsuses! That's five points from Gryffindor, and the House Mule will be taken away!  
Gryffindor: We have a House Mule?  
Me: You do now! Oh, wait, it's been taken away by Cheese Guard #4. Sorry!  
Herm: What is an elipsus, anyway…  
Me: You used one right now!  
Herm: Really? Makes me wish even more now that I knew what they were…  
Colonel Creevey: Here you are, sir! Your nonsense juice, sir!  
Me: Thank you, Colonel. At ease. Hup-two, and other military slang. Go stand near a doorway until I need you. When I do, walk into the door, and come running to my feet, where you shall place a penguin. DO IT NOW!  
Colonel Creevey: Yes, sir!  
Me: *throws nonsense juice on Hermione*  
Herm: Wahoo! I feel like a giant baked potato!  
Me: You are.  
Herm: No, you are!  
Me: *turns into a giant baked potato, with sour cream, chives, cheddar cheese, bacon, turkey, and cracked black pepper*  
Herm: Ha, ha! Now you're sorry! I've got more stuff than before!  
Me: Wha—?  
*thousands of forks appear around Herm*  
Herm: See ya!  
Me: No one outsmarts me! Nobody's allowed to use quotes from Zelda: Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages without written permission, either, but that's a whole different story. Colonel!  
Colonel Creevey: *runs into door, stumbles feebily into doorway, and runs to my feet, where he places a penguin, sir* Yes, sir?  
Me: Pet the penguin!  
Colonel Creevey: *pets penguin, which bites the two bottom fingers of his left hand off*  
Will Parry: AHHH! The knife is mine, precious! All mine, precious! You cannot have it, precious!  
Lyra Silvertongue: The knife is broken, stupid.  
Will: Oh. Here you go, Colonel Creevey. *hands shards of the subtle knife to the Colonel, accidentally slicing off all of the Colonel's other fingers on his left hand*  
Lyra: Since you took my boyfriend's knife, you can have the alethiometer, too, Colonel. *tosses alethiometer to the Colonel, which bounces on his head, and knocks him out for three whole seconds*  
Colonel Creevey: Yes, sir?  
Me: PET THE PENGUIN!  
Colonel Creevey: *pets penguin, which bites off other hand*  
Me: Good. You are now the penguin bearer.  
Colonel Creevey: But I don't have any hands, sir! How am I supposed to bear it, sir?  
Me (in cheesy announcer voice): Good point, sir! In fact, it's so good of a point, it could impale you! But since I need you to help the story move on, it won't! Instead, a microscopic bowl of Jell-O will fall on your head!  
*Microscopic bowl of Jell-O falls on Colonel Creevey's head*  
Me: Colonel!  
Colonel Creevey: Yes, sir?  
Me: Go after that girl on the vacuum cleaner! Don't let her steal your Rupees, Scent or Ember Seeds, Bombs, Hearts, or anything else! Bring her back here!  
Colonel Creevey: Yes, sir!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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5 YEARS LATER   
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Colonel Creevey: Here you go, sir! *hands me a limp banana*  
Me: COLONEL! THIS IS A LIMP BANANA!  
Colonel Creevey; *looks at banana* Oh, sir. So it is, sir. Off I go, again, sir. Back in a jiffy, sir!  
  
  
  
  
  
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7 YEARS LATER   
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Colonel Creevey: Here you go, sir! *hands me Herm*  
Me: Thank you, Colonel. You know where to wait.  
Colonel Creevey: Yes, sir!  
Me: Now, it is time to start the ritual for removing nonsense from a person!  
Regis Philbin: Is that your final answer?  
Me: Bahleeted!  
Regis: *vanishes*  
Me: Okay. Everyone in the room, take a deep breath.  
All: *take deep breath*  
Me: The system is down! Toss a baked potato! Rhinos are notorious thieves! Grasshoppers have never won any world records! EAT A BISCUIT!  
*Giant biscuits fall from the sky*  
Me: Continued! The system is down! You are 404'd!  
*Starts to rain honey*  
Me: 10000100100111100101010101101010!  
*10000100100111100101010101101010*  
Me: Sing a song! Leeko! Bont-reer! Flo-flo-flo-flo-flo-floppy disk! Ba-na-na! Ba-na-na! Cheese guard disco! 20X6! 1936! Many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!! Q!  
*Bacon falls from the sky*  
Me: Available now on video and DVD! Coming soon to theaters near you! Bad use's of apostrophe's! Starts Friday! Rated R! I love you, you love cheese! A sim is not a sim unless it is a sim! PEANUT BUTTER!  
*A glob of peanut butter falls down onto Herm, and drains all nonsense out of her, then disappears*  
Me: Ahem. Thank you.  
Crowd: WAHOO!  
Llama: Huh?  
Me: Thank you! I'm here until Thursday! Bite the wax tadpole!  
Herm: I feel… normal. I'm going to go spy on Ron! See ya!  
Me: Ahh. Life is good.  
JK: Ahem?  
Me: Oh, hi, JK! How was your day off?  
JK: I wasn't on a day off. I was duct-taped to the hood of my car next to a chicken that kept shouting "La cucaracha!"  
Me: Ummmmmm… how unfortunate?  
JK: Yeah, you're telling me. I wonder who did that…  
Me: Uhh, gotta run! See ya!  
  
  
  
THE END  



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